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Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D.: One Good Way To Kick A Bad Habit

Published 2012-04-23T14:45:07+00:000000000730201204 | By Doc Hollywood

Most of us have some kind of habit in our lives that we’re either trying to change or want to change. Throughout the days of our lives, most of us have experienced moments of clarity that for a moment help us break free from these habitual cycles and also give us insight into what actually matters in that moment.

At first, we often hear the words of change as whispers. They come very lightly, causing us to pause for a second with a little information about what needs to change or how we need to change it. These whispers are not that sticky for the majority of us, as our auto-pilot takes over and we fall back into our habits.

As time goes on, the whisper starts to get a little louder; maybe we get in trouble at work, a friend stops returning calls, we get a ticket for speeding, or maybe we gain eight pounds from eating cookies as Charles Duhigg did in The Power of Habit.

Then, if these aren’t heeded, the whispers turn into shouting, where the wall comes down, we get fired, lose the friend, have a serious car accident or maybe develop heart disease.

Who’s whispering and how can we help ourselves more deeply listen to break free from the power of habit?

You can think of this in many ways, if you’re religious, you might think it is God whispering to you, if you’re not religious, you might think it is your higher self or intuition, that inner wisdom that knows what’s right for you. Either way, the messages get delivered.

In my experience, mindfulness is a tremendous way to start priming the mind to be more aware of these messages earlier. In mindfulness you are practicing attuning more to what is happening in the present moment, where the whispers appear. You get more connected with your body that is constantly sending you signals of being balanced or imbalanced. You get better at not getting so caught up in the storms of the mind that can toss you into states of stress, anxiety, and depression.

Mindfulness teaches us to listen deeply to our lives and get some space from the triggers, cravings and urges associated with the habit. As Viktor Frankl said, “in that space lies our power to choose our response and in our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

One thing you might do in that space of awareness is try experimenting with replacing the “bad” habit for a “good” one. You’re doing this just to see what you notice when you do this. Perhaps what you find is that underneath the engagement with the “bad” habit was a desire to be social, feel a sense of love, or perhaps just to get away from something uncomfortable.

When we listen to our lives, we get connected to what really matters to us and open up to possibilities and opportunities to develop new healthier habits to take action with. This space of clarity and choice is The Now Effect.

But first we have to train ourselves to tap into the spaces of awareness and hear the whispers. Why not start today?

Take a moment right now to practice mindfully checking in to your experience. Ask yourself, “Where am I starting from right now mentally, physically and emotionally?”

Or give yourself the gift of 10 minutes:

Stop, take a seat and indulge in this fundamental practice called The Body Scan. This can help your brain become more aware of the cues your body is sending when habits are starting to take action (there are many more of these instructional videos woven throughout The Now Effect (http://elishagoldstein NULL.com/books/the-now-effect/) to give you direct access to the practice in your daily life):

Bring this practice into the moments of your life at home and at work where you notice the habits occurring. Allow it to widen the space of awareness and choose a different response. As you practice and repeat this over time, the habit is more likely to fall away as you move into more growth and freedom.

As always, please share your thoughts, stories and questions below. Your interaction creates a living wisdom for us all to benefit from.

For more by Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D., click here (http://www NULL.huffingtonpost NULL.com/elisha-goldstein-phd).

For more on mindfulness, click here (http://www NULL.huffingtonpost NULL.com/news/mindfulness).

Rick Hanson, Ph.D.: Ask Questions

Published 2012-04-17T23:45:03+00:000000000330201204 | By Doc Hollywood

My dad grew up on a ranch in North Dakota. He has a saying from his childhood — you may have heard it elsewhere — that’s: “You learn more by listening than by talking.”

Sure, we often gain by thinking out loud, including discovering our truth (http://www NULL.rickhanson NULL.net/just-one-thing/speak-from-the-heart) by speaking it. But on the whole, listening brings lots more valuable information than talking does.

Nonetheless, many people are not the greatest listeners. (You’ve probably noticed this already: at work, at home, when you’re trying to work something out with your partner…) What’s it feel like when they don’t listen to you? Or maybe listen, but don’t inquire further? It’s not good. Besides missing out on important information — including, often most importantly, your underlying feelings and wants — they’re sending the implicit message that they’re not that interested (even though, deep down, they might be).

Then turn it around: What do you think they feel like if you don’t listen that well to them? Not very good either.

Being a good listener brings many benefits: gathering useful information, making others feel like they matter to you, sustaining a sense of connection with people, and stepping out of your own familiar frame of reference.

One of the best ways to listen well is to ask questions. It makes you an active listener, it shows that you’ve been paying attention, it can get things out in the open (“Mommy, is that emperor parading in his boxers?!”), and it slows down emotional conversations so they don’t get out of hand.

How?

As a therapist, I ask questions for a living. Plus I’ve been married a long time through thick and thin, and raised two kids. As they say in medicine: Good judgment comes from experience… and experience comes from bad judgment. So I offer some fruits of my bad judgments!

Questions can be nonverbal. A raised eyebrow, a nod to say more, or simply letting there be a bit of silence are all signals to the other person to keep going.

Have good intentions. Don’t ask questions like a prosecutor. It’s fine to try to get to the bottom of things — whether it’s what bothered your mate the most about her conversation with her friend, or what your son is actually doing this Saturday night, or what your role is supposed to be in an upcoming business meeting. But don’t use questions to make others look bad.

Keep the tone gentle. Remember that being asked a question — particularly, a series of questions — can feel invasive, critical, or controlling to the person on the receiving end; think of all the times that kids get asked questions as a prelude to a scolding or other punishment. You could check in with the other person to make sure your questions are welcome. Slow questions down so they don’t come rat-tat-tat. And intersperse them with self-disclosure that matches, more or less, the emotional depth of what the other person is saying; this way they’re not putting all their cards on the table while you keep yours close to the chest.

As appropriate, persist in getting a clear answer. If you sense there’s still some problematic fuzziness or wiggle room in the other person’s answers, or simply more to learn, you could ask the question again, maybe in a different way. Or explain — without accusation — why you’re still unclear about what the other person is saying. Or ask additional questions that could help surface the deeper layers of the other person’s thoughts, feelings, and intentions.

Different kinds of questions are appropriate for different situations. For example, trying to get clearer about a project your boss wants you to do is definitely not like a delicate inquiry into what might help things go better in a physically intimate relationship. Questions about facts or plans are usually pretty straightforward. For the murkier, more emotionally charged territory of friends and family, here are some possibilities:

“How was _______ for you?”

“What do you appreciate about _______ ? What bothers (or worries) you about _______ ? Are there other things you’re feeling (or wanting) besides ______?”

“What did this remind you of?”

“What did you wish had happened, instead?”

“What’s the most important thing here, for you?”

“What would it look like if you got what you wanted here?” (Or: “…what you wanted from me?”)

How would you like it to be from now on?

Could you say more about _______ ?

If your intentions are good, it’s really OK to ask questions. Usually, people welcome them. Take confidence in your good intentions and good heart.

For more by Rick Hanson, Ph.D., click here (http://www NULL.huffingtonpost NULL.com/rick-hanson-phd).

For more on emotional intelligence, click here (http://www NULL.huffingtonpost NULL.com/news/emotional-intelligence).

Rick Hanson, Ph.D., is a neuropsychologist and author of Buddha’s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom (http://amzn NULL.to/pvDwcZ) (in 20 languages) and Just One Thing: Developing a Buddha Brain One Simple Practice at a Time (http://amzn NULL.to/nAWMrk) (in 8 languages). Founder of the Wellspring Institute for Neuroscience and Contemplative Wisdom (http://www NULL.wisebrain NULL.org/wellspring NULL.html) and Affiliate of the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley (http://greatergood NULL.berkeley NULL.edu/), he’s taught at Oxford, Stanford, and Harvard, and in meditation centers worldwide. His work has been featured on the BBC, NPR, FoxBusiness, Consumer Reports Health, U.S. News and World Report, and O Magazine and he has several audio programs (http://bit NULL.ly/izjdW4) with Sounds True. His weekly e-newsletter – Just One Thing (http://www NULL.rickhanson NULL.net/writings/just-one-thing)- has over 34,000 subscribers, and suggests a simple practice each week that will bring you more joy, more fulfilling relationships, and more peace of mind and heart. If you wish, you can subscribe to Just One Thing here (http://conta NULL.cc/JOTaff).

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Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D.: One Good Way To Kick A Bad Habit

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